Economics 101?: Buy my poop!

Remember the story of the emperor's new clothes? The king wanted new clothes so his yes men came up with a regally invisible line of evening wear...so the king puts on nothing--as in, wearing nothing--and walks around his kingdom naked. Naked. The king. Naked. Walking around.

I don’t remember the moral of the story. I’m still trying to get past the mental picture of someone like, say, the Queen Mum, walking around naked. I can’t unthink these thoughts. I hope you enjoy my pain.

But what does come to mind is how the whole idea of wearing nothing, and parading it around as clothing, makes absolutely NO sense. None. Nil. Zilch. No sense at all.

So, following this rationale...excuse me, lack of rationale, I would like to present my plan to kick start our economy.

Buy my poop!

Yep. My poop. Buy it. At best sounds terrible, at worst sounds crass...but...my plan, as stinky (pardon the pun) as it might be, may actually have some legs. I’ll admit, it sounds pointless and makes very little sense...but just hear me out.

I once saw people using dried up animal droppings as “coal.” They had no other choice but to burn poop to boil water and to cook their meals. So, buy my poop...heat your food. You can even put my poop in your fire place and heat your house. Bonus poop usage!

Depending on the size of your yard you can use my poop as fertilizer. I’m almost positive you’ll want to use it in combination with a mulch pile...but...you can save money in mass fertilizer purchases by buying my poop. I’ll market it as: Stearnsilizer.

And finally, you may need some sort of machine to get the methane out of my processed meat and potatoes but you could eventually get enough to make your own petrol. You can power your car with my poop. I’ll even include a “Powered by Rob’s Poop” bumper sticker for your car.

So, you can cook your meals with my poop. You can heat your house and run your car...and you’ll have plush and desired-by-all-your-neighbors front lawn. That’s four uses from simply buying my poop.

Now, just for a moment, imagine the financial ramifications of an economy running on poop. We all can become entrepepoopers. If the Stearnsilizer aspect picks up we can all have our own vegetable gardens, so we'll save money on groceries. You'll save money on gas...well, at least the gas you put in your cars. The more people who poop means saving water by not flushing as much.

Again, makes no sense, right? Well, does this?

The 2011 Nobel Prize for Economics. I’m not even going to go into the Nobel Peace prize going to someone who planted trees a few years ago...I’m talking about this years award for economics.

Keep in mind, this makes no sense.

The first sign of alarm is that it was awarded to two Americans. Um...am I missing something here? The only developing country with an economy as dysfunctional as ours is Greece. Ok, the Irish may want to chime in here...oh, wait, no they won’t. Let’s say Ireland and Greece are ahead of us--or, below us--on this list. That means that two country’s economies are worse than ours. Two. Worse. Than us.

For those of you who might be a bit slow, that means that just about everybody else is better than us.

So, how in the world did two Americans get this award? Our economy is shambles. The bi-partisan parties can’t agree on anything and now American citizen’s are trying to occupy our economy. And, yet, we get awarded with a nobel prize for economics? This makes sense, how?

And if they are so good, why in the world hasn’t our government adopted their policies? Wouldn’t it make sense that if we had these geniuses in our backyard we would ask them for help? Or...did Obama just say, “Uh, never mind.”

Now, if Obama did ignore these experts, I can’t blame him. This has nothing to do with the Republican-Democratic war of imbeciles...actually, it has to do with making sense. Somehow, ignoring these experts makes sense.

CNN: Research doesn’t have any direct solutions for economic ailments, one winner says.

Oh, well, that’s good. So, in other words, we just gave arguably the world’s most prestigious award to an expert in a field and this expert’s findings can’t help us out.

Keeping with the poop theme, I’ll just say it: Oh, shit.

Christopher Sims, one of the winners said, “the answers (to our economy’s current problems) are not likely to be simple...” Ok, fair enough. I get it. But he went on to say, “Asking for an opinion off the top of our heads, you shouldn’t expect much.”

WHAT?!? We shouldn’t expect much from an expert? From the cream of the crop? Uh, why not? You’re the best. Our economy is on life support. I want an opinion. NOW. I, for one, do expect much.

Until then...please buy my poop. It may be a crappy idea...but I’ve just given you my opinion right off the top of head, or, the bottom of my, well, bottom. And, at the least, you can keep your house heated.